Life, NiOxford way!

My frizzy hair were swaying with the breeze, as I sat on the parapet of the terrace of my 42-storey building, all by myself. Expressionless, I was. The late-night breeze had left my eyes tearless, and my face expressionless. I felt it was talking to me, talking about something very precise, but quite undecipherable.

I knew why I was up there. Fed up of everything, I was. But the breeze, with the hooting of the owl, the moon lighting every bit of the sky, and the glistening stars, all trying to talk to me. But yet again, I failed to understand any of it.

I had a purpose of being up there. And my fate lay below. 650 feet below. One fall would end everything. The pain, the sorrow, the misery, the jealousy, the pressure, everything.

But then again, something held me behind. Fear? No, it cannot be fear. Death didn’t scare me. It was the breeze, I thought. Yes, it is the breeze. It didn’t let me move an inch further. It took me to trance. And the breeze became my master.

Thoughts started circling my head. Starting with my failures, my unsuccessful attempt at things I always craved for.

1. Failure [feyl-yer]

-noun

An act or instance of proving unsuccessful.

How easy it is give up, isn’t it? Not that we do not want to try harder, and how much ever we deny, after a certain saturation point, we give up. For me, it was very easy. Unsettled, you may call my mind. But that’s the way it was. Failing always took a toll on me, be it in exams, or in my life.

I had a lot, but always wanted what I didn’t have, or to put it exactly, what others had. I was jealous.

2. Jealousy [jel-uh-see]

-noun

Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

Jealous of others’ happiness, jealous of others’ belongings, jealous of others’ everything. I had it all, but all I always wanted was what others had. Disturbed, I had become. ‘All this is baseless’, my mind would tell me.

But I never paid heed. I knew I have everything, but I preferred to stay aloof.

‘Become a doctor, or an engineer, or this, or that’, my parents would always tell. Pressure, a lot of pressure to stand.

3. Pressure [presh-er]

-noun

Harassment; oppression.

I was always under pressure, from parents, teachers, but above all, from myself. I cannot blame anyone else for what I am into, but myself. The failures, the jealousy, had taken me in. It pressurised me, or maybe, I did.

And only one way seemed open, to end it all. Finish me.

All these were the things I thought, before I decided what I wanted to do. And I was clear. But my master, the breeze, despite of making me think the same again, didn’t let me reach my fate. Perhaps, it wasn’t. Thoughts started circling again, but they were not the same. Black had gone; it was the time for white. No, I am not being racist here, just using to symbolise the darkness and light. It showed me the times I was happy.

1. Happiness [hap-ee-nis]

-noun

Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Do you remember the time when you first rode a bicycle without anyone’s support? Or when you were able to spin the ball for the very first time? Or when you held a small kid in your arms? Or when you played the game of your life? Or when you saw the smile you loved? Happiness. There are so many small things which make you want to live for a thousand years, but yet, when you most need them, you can’t think of any.

Was I loved? Yes, I was.

2. Love [luhv]

-noun

A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

My parents loved me, no doubt. I know they scolded me, but for my own good. My friends, they loved me too! The laughter, the pranks, the shouting-in-the-middle-of-the-road moments, the getting-caught times, the pure relation of friendship. Did she love me? Yes. More than I ever asked for. Selfless love, I would say. But then again, when you don’t want to see the diamond in the coal, you just can’t.

But when I see it the other way, my life wasn’t that. It was full of diamonds, with one dark feeling of the coal overpowering me.

3. Exhilaration [ig-zil-uh-rey-shuhn]

-noun

Animation; joyousness; jollity; hilarity.

The feeling you get when you bungee jump, or when you sky dive. The feeling you get when you face a huge wave of water, or climb a mountain. These are the things taking you just inches away from death, but are the moments to live for! I live for these!

It is always said, that if you keep one spoilt fruit with other ripe ones, the ripe ones, sooner or later, get spoilt too. So often, the ‘Lucifer’ of your thoughts overpowers you, and makes you want to do things, things which always seem the easy way out, but in actual, leave behind scars in our existence. The breeze, for me, came as ‘Michael’ and ‘Gabriel’, throwing the bad into the ‘Pit’ and saving me.

Trance faded, and I was in my senses once again. The early morning sun accompanied with the chirp of the birds, welcomed me. I was still on the parapet.

‘What was I thinking? This is not me, this cannot be anyone’, I thought. I just smiled, and went back home, back home to answer my parents about where I was.. Scolding, I would surely get. But then again, I deserved it.

Life is too precious. When we see people dying in floods, terror attacks, wars, we feel bad. So how can we compel ourselves to do something like that? The giving up thing I said, it’s true. But such small things give us the courage and the patience to deal with them. Even though we feel alone at times, we are not. There’s someone always looking on us, our Michael, our Gabriel, our GOD.

Life [lahyf]

-noun

Well, it’s personalised, the way you want it!

Believe in Him, He won’t let you down. He gave you life, He will direct it. Don’t end it yourself.